#itrustgod even it if doesn't turn out the way I want. Feb 7, 2019

Wednesday was my final "post-chemo" check-in. I am now officially on observation! (Thanks be to God!) This means I am, for now, cancer-free! However, it also means that I will be scanned every three months searching for any new tumors. More importantly, this means I get to go back to doing what I love, being a husband, father, pastor and soon grandpa! (Aren’t those great titles, husband, father, pastor and grandpa!?!)

One of the interesting moments during the final check out was when they told me that I would need to be scanned every three months. I knew this was coming so I wasn’t surprised but for some reason, it really struck me emotionally. Truth is, while I will no longer have cancer treatment, I will always have a "cloud of possibility" hanging over my head. In an effort to change the subject and talk about something fun I asked how soon will my port (implant to administer chemo) come out? I have been eagerly looking forward to getting rid of this thing. Additionally, as the implanting of the port was the first medical procedure, I was thinking of its removal as the last! I was expecting some sort of ceremonial "closing the door" on the difficult events of this year and walking out port free into a glorious future...

Then the nurse crushed me when she said I really needed to wait before removing the port. She went on to say, remember you have a very aggressive disease. With that, the delusion about my future was finally and fully-stripped away. After all that God has done for me, this is going to sound very ungrateful, I came home discouraged and emotionally down. God's healing in my life has been nothing short of miraculous. Why can’t I take a victory lap? Why do I have to carry around in my body this constant reminder of the possibility that my life may yet be cut short? On the drive home, God and I started a pretty serious conversation.

You need to know, when God and I have serious conversations He seems to follow the best practices of any good counselor. He listens a lot more than He talks. Like anyone who has been in therapy knows, I tried to get ahead of what I thought He was going to say so I pulled out everything I learned in seminary and started ticking it off.

Yes, I know all healing is temporary. Even Lazarus who Jesus called from the grave eventually died again. (Don’t you think there were some folks hanging around the tomb for the next few days, just in case?)

Yes, I know there is no correlation between God’s healing in my life and the timing for removal of a stupid, no good, lousy tube.

Yes, I know that it was through this stupid, no good lousy tube that God delivered my healing in the first place and that He might not be done using that avenue of grace in my life.

Yes, I know I’ve been fighting cancer, …wait, …what? As those words passed through my head God seemed to remind me that during this year of cancer lots and lots of people have talked to me about “fighting” cancer. Every time the words created a certain unease in my spirit. I’ve never said anything because I know this is a common way of talking when confronted with cancer. However, I’ve not used the words fighting cancer myself, at least not until I started complaining to God.

Truth is, I’ve never thought of my cancer as something I fight. In fact, in many ways, I’ve thought just the opposite. When I was diagnosed with a very deadly form of cancer, God clearly called me to let go and lean into him. In my mind I went back to that day more than 50 years ago when I knelt at an altar and totally surrendered my life to Him. My life was/is His, no matter what and no matter how long. I remember the deep peace that flooded my being that day and I knew what I needed to do. I was to re-ground my life in total commitment to him. He would or would not heal me, but the battle was not mine so I could rest. Those many months ago when I reaffirmed by complete surrender and trust, God again flooded my being with Peace just as He had done that very first time, so many years ago. You may recall that it was during this time that I started tagging my posts with #itrustgod. I can honestly say from that moment until yesterday I have walked this path with a profound sense of God’s Peace that passes all understanding. Some have interpreted my attitude toward cancer as courage, but I don’t think it is. I have not felt fear so there is nothing to be courageous about. Instead, what people have seen is God’s peace that comes in the face of adversity when we surrender without reservation into His hand. It really has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him.

About the time I finished that thought God spoke again with the bruising words… what has changed? (Ever noticed how when God speaks, He asks extremely pointed and uncomfortable questions?) The embarrassing answer is I changed. I took my trust out of God’s hand and began thinking about all the things that could go wrong. Honestly, it was easier to trust God when I had nothing (looking death in the face) than when I had something (God has healed and restored life). I know, I know. REALLY stupid to stop trusting God after He has given you a miracle. But there you have it. With my eyes focused on scan schedules, stupid, no good, lousy tubes and a very aggressive disease, my Peace was gone, and I was fighting the battle rather than resting in the hands of the one whose battle this is. (The battle belongs to the Lord!)

That afternoon I joyfully placed my trust back in God’s hands where it belonged. I let go of the battle and embraced sweet surrender. In that moment God restored my Peace and brought to mind the words of an old Gospel song called Blessed Assurance.

This great old song of testimony says in the chorus,

Chorus: This is my story, this is my song, praising my savior all the day long.

The testimony being referred to can be found in the verses. As I reflected on those words, I found my story was in there too.

Verse 1 - Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine; Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine! (this is what heaven is going to be like!) Heir of salvation, purchase of God, Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood. (Wow)

Verse 2 - Perfect submission, (this is what I had to do to find peace again) perfect delight, (This is what Peace looks like) Visions of rapture now burst on my sight; Angels descending, bring from above Echoes of mercy, whispers of love. (even if you are facing the end of your life)

Verses 3 Perfect submission, all is at rest, (because I’ve submitted) I in my Savior am happy and blest; (Yes I am) Watching and waiting, looking above, Filled with His goodness, lost in His love. (God’s love is so vast that we actually get lost!)

Chorus - This is MY story, this is my song, praising my Savior all the day long. This is my story this is my song, praising my Savior all the day long.

This is my story. - #istilltrustgod

LaRue Howard does a great job bringing out the words so crank up the volume and click on the link below and be blessed…. Perfect submission, all is at rest. Yes, yes it is.

This Thanksgiving is Different or Gratitude after a Bad Diagnosis.

This Thanksgiving is Different. Nov 28, 2019

This Thanksgiving is different. I’m always grateful at thanksgiving. Truth is I’ve been blessed beyond all reason and way beyond what I deserve. It is never far from my consciousness that I was born into a great family, have been blessed with creating my own great family, and I’m watching my children get a good start on creating their great families. When it comes to the things that really matter, I’m very rich. Even when I reflect on my material station in life, I am blessed to have a job I love, work with people I love, have everything I need and almost everything I could even imagine wanting. Compared to the rest of the world I’m enormously rich finically because I’m a middle-class American. I am deeply and profoundly grateful for all of this and glad to give thanks every Thanksgiving and every day. Still, this year is different.

Shortly after the first of the year, I went to see the doctor about a lump in my thigh. I wasn’t very worried about it and neither was the doctor. He ordered an ultrasound but there was no rush. Several weeks went by and I eventually found myself chit-chatting with a very nice but new ultrasound tech. She had graduated from school but was still in training, so I didn’t think much of it when she got quiet and then left the room telling me her work needed to be reviewed by her supervisor. I should have noticed when the supervisor basically redid the ultrasound herself. They politely finished up and I went home. That evening my phone rang and the caller ID showed my doctor's office. I knew then something was wrong. The call was brief, but I remember him saying I have a mass in my thigh that is almost certainly cancerous. He was sending me for an MRI to get more clarity and I was to make an appointment with an Orthopedic surgeon. He thought it would likely be removed surgically and that would be it. He thought the matter urgent but was not overly concerned. Things began to move faster.

I went in for the MRI and again a call from the Orthopedic surgeon’s office. That meeting was my first indication that this wasn’t going to be a simple thing. He told me that the lump in my thigh was a sarcoma. He went on to say that these are rare and extremely dangerous. He was very grim and said he needed to refer me to an Orthopedic Oncologist that worked with sarcomas. Turns out there are only two or three of these in the entire state of Washington. I am deeply thankful for this caring doctor who that day spent his evening personally calling and trying to get me in to see one of these doctors as soon as possible.

Eventually, I had an appointment at the best place possible for my cancer, Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. Not only do they have an Orthopedic Oncologist they have a whole section dedicated to Sarcomas. After more testing, the really bad news was shared with us. I have a sarcoma which is not only rare and very aggressive but after genetic testing, my specific sarcoma was very aggressive even among sarcomas. Additionally, this particular type was prone to metastasizing and resistant to treatment. That was a very hard day.

As we drove home in stunned silence it dawned on me that as hard as those words to were to hear, it would be even harder sharing them with my children and eventually my church. While there was some hope, the tumor was small and it hadn’t yet metastasized, it didn’t seem like there was much hope. That day, sitting in a Doctor’s office receiving a diagnosis that could end my life, forever changed me.

In the weeks that followed there were plenty of tears, great sadness and a lot of prayers. Nothing like a bad diagnosis to make you pray. It was in those times of prayer that God began a new work in my life. Almost immediately I had a deep sense of the Holy Spirit saying to me, I’ve got this. I need to be clear, I did not hear God say He was going to heal me. Instead, it was a deep assurance that no matter the outcome I could trust Him. It was then that God gave me what has become my new mantra in life, #itrustgod.

I shared this with my family and congregation. I reminded them that my faith was in God and that my trust in God was not that He would heal me, which is what I wanted Him to do. Instead, it was a deep clarity and assurance deep in my soul that even if I was coming to the end of my life, I could still trust God. It was and is a proclamation of my heart that God can be trusted even when disaster strikes. As simple and old a truth as this is, those words, I trust God, opened the door for a profound sense of God’s peace to pour into and over my life. I discovered for maybe the first time the true meaning of the Hebrew word for peace, Shalom. In the New Testament, we call this, the peace that goes beyond all understanding. (Romans 8:28) Yep, that pretty much describes it. I have been given a deep peace in my soul that makes no sense. I trust God, no matter what. As much as the bad diagnosis changed me, the profound assurance from God that I could trust Him even if my days were short, changed me even more. #itrustgod

I tell you all this so that it doesn’t sound completely crazy when I say, this thanksgiving I’m thankful for cancer. I know, still sounds crazy but God is teaching me that when he promises to bring good out of bad, He is giving us an amazing gift even if it is sometimes hard to see.

This year I am thankful for my cancer diagnosis because God has used it to change me in so many positive ways. Additionally, and completely unforeseen to me is that He has used it to reveal many blessings I am guilty of taking for granted. To open the eyes of the ungrateful that they might see God’s blessing in their life is a profound gift and huge blessing in itself.

I’m grateful for cancer because God used it to help me value and live in the present. My Strength Finders testing says one of my top five strengths is Future. This means that I love to think about, strategize for and live in the future. I’m the type of person that is energized by possibilities, believes in what could be and will give myself fully to creating a better future for everyone. Of course, the downside is that I can get so caught up in thinking about and working toward a better future that I completely miss the good things that are happening right now. It can make me neglectful of the people I love most and ungrateful for the blessings God is pouring into my life now.

One of the things that happened when I received my diagnosis was that I stopped thinking about the future. What was the point? It was looking like I didn’t have one. God used that enforced pause to my natural state to open my eyes to all the really great things He was doing in me right now. Don’t misunderstand, it wasn’t that I was unaware that I have a great family, a great church and a great job. It was just that I handled them to casually and didn’t give them the attention they deserved and God the credit He deserved. God brought very good out of very bad and I’m thankful. #itrustgod

In addition to being thankful for cancer itself, I’m also thankful for the many blessing God has brought out of my cancer diagnosis. Maybe the greatest of these is that it has brought our family closer. They say major trauma has a way of moving relationships either closer or apart. In our case, it has been closer. After the diagnosis, my kids started calling and visiting more often. Don’t miss understand, they always called and visited, and I’m blessed to have close relationships with my children and their spouses, but a life-threatening diagnosis has a way of creating a significant uptick in contact with the people you love and I’m always thankful for that. In addition to more contact with my children, I noticed that many other friends reached out in ways big and small. #itrustgod

This year I am especially thankful I am a part of a praying church and by church, I mean my local, district, denominational and the larger church of Jesus Christ. In these difficult months, I have been prayed for by thousands of people around the world and in lots of languages I don’t understand. I can not express in words how powerful this has been in my life. The truth is, I’m blessed with friends, colleagues and a large church family that spans the globe and they are praying people. This became crystal clear to me at District Assembly last year. I had just been diagnosed and many told me they would be praying. As the meetings were coming to an end Jerry Kester, my District Superintendent asked the assembly if they would lay hands on and pray for myself and another pastor who had cancer. We came to the front of the church and people began to gather around laying their hands on us. When no more could touch us, they laid hands on the people in front of them. We were completely engulfed in the body of Christ. The moment was powerful as Jerry, who is my pastor, prayed for healing and the Assembly joined in agreement. When it was done, I was vaguely aware that there were a lot of people at the front, but my emotions were too strong to really grasp what had happened. Later someone posted a picture and I was stunned to see 100’s had gathered to lay hands on myself and the other pastor as they prayed for our healing. In both that moment of prayer and seeing the picture a few days later God seemed to say again, I’ve got this. #itrustgod.

Another good out of bad thing that God has been doing is showing me again the beauty of His bride the church. A few minutes after we received my diagnosis, they began talking to us about a plan of treatment. Four rounds of chemo, each confining me to the hospital for five days in a row with a two-week recovery between. I was to expect to be very sick even after going home. This would be followed by five weeks of radiation, five days a week. Then major surgery to remove the tumor then two more in-patient chemo’s. I was to expect that this would take over my life for nine months. The next board meeting was going to be very hard.

I told the board the bad news and offered to resign. They would have none of it. Instead, over the following weeks they helped me pound out and put into place a plan that allowed me the time off to take care of my medical needs while keeping me engaged in the work of the church and continuing to receive a full paycheck. Additionally, the church body has gone over and above to support and love us during this difficult time. The nurses and doctors have been amazed at the level of support and love we enjoy as members of the Body of Christ. The churches love expressed in practical ways has not only blessed us, but it opened the door for many spiritual conversations with healthcare professionals. #itrustgod

There are many more things I’m thankful for this year that have come from the cancer diagnosis. The one that I find most amazing is that although I did not and do not believe I can force God to heal me He seems to be doing it in a blend of medicine and miracle. That day in the office when the doctors shared my diagnosis, they were very grim and kept saying, I’m sorry. However, over the course of my treatment, God has worked in such a way that they now greet me with big smiles. Less than one in four people with my cancer respond at all to chemo. Not only did my tumor respond but it shrunk dramatically. At the end of my first four rounds of Chemo one of the doctors sharing the results with me literally did a happy dance in the room! Additionally, my tumor responded so well to radiation treatment that when the result came back two of them fist-bumped and one of them calls me the poster child for their work! Last week the surgery to remove the tumor went extremely well both medically and in terms of my ability to recover. For all of this, I am deeply and profoundly thankful. I’m not out of the woods yet but God has truly done a miracle and I am looking forward to how He will continue work in the years ahead. #itrustgod

Today when my family gathers around the Thanksgiving Table I think the thing, I will be most thankful for is that God can be trusted, no matter what. #itrustgod

Happy Giving Thanks Day!