Wednesday was my final
"post-chemo" check-in. I am now officially on observation! (Thanks be
to God!) This means I am, for now, cancer-free! However, it also means that I
will be scanned every three months searching for any new tumors. More importantly,
this means I get to go back to doing what I love, being a husband, father,
pastor and soon grandpa! (Aren’t those great titles, husband, father, pastor
and grandpa!?!)
One of the interesting moments
during the final check out was when they told me that I would need to be
scanned every three months. I knew this was coming so I wasn’t surprised but
for some reason, it really struck me emotionally. Truth is, while I will no
longer have cancer treatment, I will always have a "cloud of
possibility" hanging over my head. In an effort to change the subject and
talk about something fun I asked how soon will my port (implant to administer
chemo) come out? I have been eagerly looking forward to getting rid of this
thing. Additionally, as the implanting of the port was the first medical
procedure, I was thinking of its removal as the last! I was expecting some sort
of ceremonial "closing the door" on the difficult events of this year
and walking out port free into a glorious future...
Then the nurse crushed me when
she said I really needed to wait before removing the port. She went on to say,
remember you have a very aggressive disease. With that, the delusion about my
future was finally and fully-stripped away. After all that God has done for me,
this is going to sound very ungrateful, I came home discouraged and emotionally
down. God's healing in my life has been nothing short of miraculous. Why can’t
I take a victory lap? Why do I have to carry around in my body this constant
reminder of the possibility that my life may yet be cut short? On the drive
home, God and I started a pretty serious conversation.
You need to know, when God and I
have serious conversations He seems to follow the best practices of any good
counselor. He listens a lot more than He talks. Like anyone who has been in
therapy knows, I tried to get ahead of what I thought He was going to say so I
pulled out everything I learned in seminary and started ticking it off.
Yes, I know all healing is
temporary. Even Lazarus who Jesus called from the grave eventually died again.
(Don’t you think there were some folks hanging around the tomb for the next few
days, just in case?)
Yes, I know there is no
correlation between God’s healing in my life and the timing for removal of a
stupid, no good, lousy tube.
Yes, I know that it was through
this stupid, no good lousy tube that God delivered my healing in the first
place and that He might not be done using that avenue of grace in my life.
Yes, I know I’ve been fighting
cancer, …wait, …what? As those words passed through my head God seemed to
remind me that during this year of cancer lots and lots of people have talked
to me about “fighting” cancer. Every time the words created a certain unease in
my spirit. I’ve never said anything because I know this is a common way of talking
when confronted with cancer. However, I’ve not used the words fighting cancer
myself, at least not until I started complaining to God.
Truth is, I’ve never thought of
my cancer as something I fight. In fact, in many ways, I’ve thought just the
opposite. When I was diagnosed with a very deadly form of cancer, God clearly
called me to let go and lean into him. In my mind I went back to that day more
than 50 years ago when I knelt at an altar and totally surrendered my life to
Him. My life was/is His, no matter what and no matter how long. I remember the
deep peace that flooded my being that day and I knew what I needed to do. I was
to re-ground my life in total commitment to him. He would or would not heal me,
but the battle was not mine so I could rest. Those many months ago when I
reaffirmed by complete surrender and trust, God again flooded my being with
Peace just as He had done that very first time, so many years ago. You may
recall that it was during this time that I started tagging my posts with #itrustgod.
I can honestly say from that moment until yesterday I have walked this path
with a profound sense of God’s Peace that passes all understanding. Some have
interpreted my attitude toward cancer as courage, but I don’t think it is. I
have not felt fear so there is nothing to be courageous about. Instead, what
people have seen is God’s peace that comes in the face of adversity when we
surrender without reservation into His hand. It really has nothing to do with
me and everything to do with Him.
About the time I finished that
thought God spoke again with the bruising words… what has changed? (Ever
noticed how when God speaks, He asks extremely pointed and uncomfortable
questions?) The embarrassing answer is I changed. I took my trust out of God’s
hand and began thinking about all the things that could go wrong. Honestly, it
was easier to trust God when I had nothing (looking death in the face) than
when I had something (God has healed and restored life). I know, I know. REALLY
stupid to stop trusting God after He has given you a miracle. But there you
have it. With my eyes focused on scan schedules, stupid, no good, lousy tubes
and a very aggressive disease, my Peace was gone, and I was fighting the battle
rather than resting in the hands of the one whose battle this is. (The battle
belongs to the Lord!)
That afternoon I joyfully placed
my trust back in God’s hands where it belonged. I let go of the battle and
embraced sweet surrender. In that moment God restored my Peace and brought to
mind the words of an old Gospel song called Blessed Assurance.
This great old song of testimony
says in the chorus,
Chorus: This is my story, this is
my song, praising my savior all the day long.
The testimony being referred to
can be found in the verses. As I reflected on those words, I found my story was
in there too.
Verse 1 - Blessed assurance,
Jesus is mine; Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine! (this is what heaven is
going to be like!) Heir of salvation, purchase of God, Born of His Spirit,
washed in His blood. (Wow)
Verse 2 - Perfect submission,
(this is what I had to do to find peace again) perfect delight, (This is what
Peace looks like) Visions of rapture now burst on my sight; Angels descending,
bring from above Echoes of mercy, whispers of love. (even if you are facing the
end of your life)
Verses 3 Perfect submission, all
is at rest, (because I’ve submitted) I in my Savior am happy and blest; (Yes I
am) Watching and waiting, looking above, Filled with His goodness, lost in His
love. (God’s love is so vast that we actually get lost!)
Chorus - This is MY story, this
is my song, praising my Savior all the day long. This is my story this is my
song, praising my Savior all the day long.
This is my story. - #istilltrustgod
LaRue Howard does a great job
bringing out the words so crank up the volume and click on the link below and
be blessed…. Perfect submission, all is at rest. Yes, yes it is.
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